Moods

I am in one of those moods where EVERYTHING irritates the crap out of me. I've had a wicked tension headache on and off for a couple weeks. This morning it was on. And my hair wasn't behaving. And my hair taming tools were making my head hurt worse. I spent the rest of the day getting weird looks. Work is seriously sucking. And the little one is out of school and has a friend spending the night. No matter that I still have to get up at 4:30 tomorrow morning. They are watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Garbage. It makes  me angry within 2 minutes even when I start in a good mood. Right now I am... about to explode. Therefore I am hiding in my room until it is time to go to the gym.

I used to tell people I felt so blessed. I had a job using my degree, that I actually enjoyed doing and I got paid well to do it. I took pride in doing my job and doing it well. I felt an immense sense of satisfaction when I completed a project. I believe, and my annual reviews seem to agree, that I am a good, if young, engineer. I do not love my job any more. I realized today that I think I actually hate it. Due to circumstances beyond my control or understanding, more and more red tape has been criss-crossed between me and actual engineering work.

I have very little tolerance for stupidity, it is a family trait. I get in trouble for it on occasion. On this occasion the stupidity is not a single person, but a new set of forms to be filled out and hoops to be jumped through. I do not see the point in these things. I only see that I have not done any actual engineering in almost three weeks. This makes me very unhappy. As there is no end in sight to this political bullshit, I have come to the conclusion that I have to leave. I hope to find a way to leave before my spirit is crushed completely. I think my spirit is part of what makes me a good engineer. I don't care about politics or bureaucratic bullshit, I care about making a good, efficient, sound design. I fear that if I stay here much longer my spirit will be strangled to death and I will become nothing more than another, average, head-bobbing worker bee. I fear that more than I fear death.

If I'm lucky Brian will tire me out enough to come home and pass out. Or I might take somebody's head off. Luckily for him, my man has an uncanny ability to know when to stay out of my way.